How to Write Your
First Dating Message

What you write in your first dating message to someone you want to contact is EXTREMELY important, after your dating photo and your dating profile (read tips on writing a dating profile). It determines whether or not you'll get a reply, a second message and eventually a date in person.

I am assuming here that you are looking for a meaningful, stable, long-term (or however you want to call it) relationship. However, even if you are looking for "no string attached" type of things, the tips here may be helpful.

Why you didn't get replies to your dating messages

In my experience and study of dating websites, most of times I received messages as telegraphic as "Hi" and nothing more than "How are you".

Guess what I did? Never replied.

Otherwise many times men were asking me "What do you do?" or "Where do you live?" These questions could have been answered by simply reading my profile. Also, if you read the dating profile of the person you are writing to, you'll have something to talk about and you will show a real interest in that person, not just in a nice picture. This is particularly appreciated by women.

Receiving empty and poor messages is so boring that I've decided to write here what I feel would be more exciting to receive, so you know and take advantage of this.

I'm talking as a woman receiving messages from men but the following advice can be applied to messages sent by woman to men.

What to do BEFORE you write your first dating message

Do some preparation before you write your first dating message.

Of course, we all are affected by how people look like and that's why it is so important to have a good profile photo. So, let's say you found a woman or a man you like and want to send your first dating message. Assuming this person has a well-written profile:


  • JUMP AND WRITE something without having anything to say
  • SAY JUST "HI". This is just soooo obvious, boring and it shows you are not making any effort to really get in touch. You are throwing on the other person the burden of starting the conversation, while you are the one who wanted to contact
  • USE SEXUAL LANGUAGE, or terms like "babe", "sweetie" and similar, like if you knew the other person since you were kids.


  • READ their profile
  • FIND something you have in common, that can be the subject of a message and lead to further conversation and maybe to a date 
  • FIND something that you like about what that person does, even if you don't have that in common. Say something nice about this, if you admire the person for that, say it, it's very powerful.
  • WRITE about this topic, sharing your experience if you found something you have in common
  • USE GOOD MANNERS, proper spelling, ? when necessary etc.  Nowadays, especially on the Internet, this is so rare that I think just by doing this you'll stand out. Take a bit of time to do this and you'll be showing (not just declaring) that you are someone who cares about the little things. It doesn't cost you anything!
  • SMILE while you write, you'll use a smiling tone, not serious and it will help you be more optimistic in your message
  • KEEP IT QUITE SHORT, this first message is just to let the other person know you found them interesting and to make them wish to know more about you
  • ASK A QUESTION or two about the other person, referring to what you read in their profile. This will start the conversation

Try using these tips and see how it goes. Best wishes!

Go to Writing a dating profile

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